Dasylleka’s Thoughts

A Daughters cry.

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I’m still wide awake. This has been my life lately. I stay up all night by myself thinking and thinking just to over think some more. Today was a, how you say disappointing day. I don’t really get on the topic of my parents but I guess the topic comes up now. Now I love my adoptive parents and I’m blessed that I gain 2 amazing supportive brothers from them. Children aren’t always right and sometimes parents can be wrong too. Tonight we are gonna talk about my father. A girls first love. I wanna talk about this because this is really heavy on my heart and I feel I need to talk about it. This is really emotional for me but a father is his daughters first love but he can also be her first heart break. As a kid I was so loved and happy. My dad was my best friend, my eating partner, my protector, my everything. He taught me everything in life. He gave my first me my first bible and taught me my first lesson. I was the baby and the only girl. I could be disobedient, but what child isn’t sometimes? I use to love to talk and I would get in trouble in school because I had so much to say. I would be disciplined but it’s only fair. I was 12 and my parents just separated, so we lived in separate houses of course. Christmas came and I wanted to be with my father. I never had a holiday without my dad. Break ins were happening around my dad neighborhood and his house got broken into a few weeks before. I begged my mom to let me go, my father didn’t feel it was safe but he never could tell me no to anything I wanted. One day at my fathers, I was home alone. There were two men and they busted my fathers back door open. I hide in the closet and called 911, yes people I was trapped in the closet literally. They came and took things, one guy came to where I was hiding and he didn’t see me, the second guy saw me and they ran. The police showed up moments laters and I cried and cried. The whole time the robbers were there I didn’t cry, it was time to be a big girl and I did it. My father came home from work as soon as he heard. Everyone spoke to him and he just walked up to me first and looked me up and down and said “did they touch you?” I have never seen my father look like that before. I looked him in the eyes and said “no sir they didn’t I’m ok” he said you sure I said “yes sir I’m fine”. The love I felt that day the strength of my father and his protection. Made me feel cared for and valued. I knew my father would go to war for me. Fast forward to today’s relationship.... My father and I don’t get along. I grew up and the divorced altered a lot of things for me and the way I was supposed to be raised. My father barely claims me right now. It’s not because I’m a bad person or I do bad things. I’m not a bad person or mean or evil. They raised me to a a beautiful, intellectual, intelligent, kind, open hearted women, and that I am. It’s because I’ve made mistakes and lived my life, and it’s things my father feels I should have done differently. Especially being I’m a female. I didn’t do nearly half of the things my father did when he was young but I would never judge him for anything. He judges me. I went home a couple of months ago and my father told me “you’re not my kid you’re my ex wife’s peoples”, “you never listened to me or anything I ever told you about life”, “you’re just hard headed”. The most hurtful, heart breaking thing anyone has ever said to me. My father was my first real heart break. The fact he doesn’t understand and always points the finger we can never agree or have a normal relationship. That I miss a lot. I’m not an angel but I’m definitely not Satan either. I did things, I didn’t listen all the time but I did what I was supposed to in life which is grow. No matter the mistakes I made I grew from each one. I’m a college student with no children a job and I’m teaching myself how to manage and pay my own bills, taking good care of myself. I’m teaching myself because he was too busy looking down on me to ever lift me up and help me improve on my downfalls. My dad was my number one fan at one point but that all changed. When I say their divorced ruined my life it did in a major way. I acted out in school, not towards teachers, but not doing my work, or just giving up on myself and losing faith in myself. I didn’t know what to do. So much had happened to me I felt alone. The only thing that made me happy was theater and dance class, and the fact that just for one moment I got to be someone else. Not thinking about me having to go home and going home to no family. I got to let my heart feel someone else’s happiness and peace. That’s all I wanted and no one has ever given that to me. This is why I’m here today and proclaiming to only love myself. I have to find my happiness even if I’m fatherless. I don’t have daddy issues like a lot of girls looking for their father in a man. I have trust issues, trusting that a man will actually love me and stay. Not leave or have me then walk away because I’m not perfect or what HE wanted me to be exactly. My father taught me how I was supposed to be loved and cared for and protected, he showed that, but he didn’t stay around to keep giving me that support. He walked away once he saw something he didn’t like. Like a lot men. I’m not perfect but I’m lovable. 🤞🏾❤️