My last... Part 1: Relationships&&Love

“I know how to make ya feel new yea I gave you a head start you should prepare You take one hit of my love now you getting throwed, Getting throwed.

I take one hit of your love now you getting throwed, Getting throwed.”

Song: Getting old. Artist: 6lack 

The best of the worst

I really have no idea where I want to start with this one. I’ll be splitting this lesson into 3 parts, I’m going to let everyone in on the most memorable relationships I was involved in. The man who became my heart. I’ll try to tell this love story as best as possible. This young man… he was my best friend and my everything for so long. Nothing or no one could tell me how to feel when it came to him because every bit of emotion I had for him was real and it was true feelings and real love, love I never felt before. When we met I was just turning 19 years old and he was 20, just a year older. At first, I didn’t like him, I just automatically assumed he was some cocky asshole. I thought to myself “he’s probably a male whore bag”. With time he changed that thought. We grew close and had amazing chemistry. He made my stomach flutter and my heart skip a beat. I experienced feelings I never felt before. I loved to talk to him and he was always there to listen to me. We had mini disagreements but that’s because I liked him and didn’t know it. Or let’s just say I fought it off for a while. I became territorial and didn’t know it. I was nervous around him but I knew I could be myself. Couple of months later I came out and just told him I liked him. I know “so fifth grade”, but I had to know. He replied with a “yes I like you too”. I never smiled so big in my life. Let me explain something to you guys about love. He would walk into the room and my stomach would drop to my toes. I couldn’t get him off my mind. I knew his scent (sounds weird I know), I could smell him and my heart would melt to my panties. He would touch me and I got goosebumps. It was something about his hands. I smiled every time I heard his voice. We used to hold hands and that was the safest place in the world to me. Just to hold his hand. I was falling in love you guys and I didn’t even know it. We had never kissed never did anything more than hold hands and talk. Even when we would disagree he had a hold on me I can’t explain, even today. He used to wait with me until my mom would come and we would talk and converse about anything on our minds. He’s always kind of quiet so he would listen to me. He used to keep it so real with me about everything at one point. I could tell he was different and he really enjoyed my company and friendship. I did too. I knew I was in love and I knew this was going to be so real because before sex became a part of the situation I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. All I wanted was to love him, be around him, and be with him. He changed a lot about me. He changed my life. He became my diary. Months went by and we were still getting close. Things moved a little forward and things got heated sexually between us. Sexually I’m a shy girl. I was inexperienced before I met him. He wasn’t my first but I felt he was going to be my last. I’m not too open with a lot of people sexually. He made the feeling comfortable and I didn’t fear him or fear the things he wanted to do to me. I wanted him to hold me like no other man had before and love me like he’s never loved before. That my friend, I’ve never felt before. When I tell you I didn’t know him and I would turn months into 4 almost 5 years. It still amazes me. Everything was lovely until it was time for me to move. I decided to move to Charlotte to pursue my fashion dreams. He was supportive. We decided to stay close and still try. It was only a hour, that’s what we said. Long distance is hard, very hard. I missed him all the time. I grew friends but it was still no one in my eyes but him. It was 2 months of me living in Charlotte, we would have disagreements and not get along, but I would ignore it because I assumed he was just frustrated with not seeing me. Over time he became distant and would often complain about my absents. I finally went home for a weekend. I knew something was wrong because he felt different. Which is crazy to me I always felt when something wasn’t right with him. He tried to hide it for a long time, until she called my phone in the middle of my mid-terms. I was in my intro to fashion arts class and before mid-terms we took a break and a young lady called me to express her feeling she had for him and how they were similar to mine. Of course I was hurt and completely devastated. I cried and l left class. I got to do my mid-term over but I was a mess. I called him and he got frustrated with me and hung up. From then on for almost 2 weeks I didn’t speak to him. He tried calling texting wanted to explain himself but I didn’t want to hear it. After a couple days I responded, and as he requested, we arranged a meeting between him and I to talk and “hear him out”. I was angry still but I agreed to have the conversation. Now this is when it gets crazy, the young lady would constantly call me and I guess trying to see if we still had things going on. He would tell me he doesn’t want her and tell her he doesn’t want me. He started playing the game, as I’ve said before, boys love to play the game called love when love isn’t a game you play. Months went by and he was trying to keep the same game going between us. I stayed because I loved him so much and I really believed he wanted to be with me and only me but it didn’t look to be that way. As I started to really catch on I became tired and hurt and the damaged started. I started to feel less than and not enough. He would say things like “well she’s around more and you in school, what do you expect me to do. I love you and want to be with you but I don’t know how to let go of my past.” That became his excuse for a long time. Excuses do run out. He would make me feel bad and blame the situation on me not being around. I got tired of the back and forth drama. He was just hurting me and damaging me. I met with him one night and told him I can no longer be a part of this crazy triangle. I told him if he loved her try and be with her and just leave me out of it completely. He was furious and didn’t want to part ways. He said it wasn’t that he couldn’t let go he didn’t know how to and he explained he wanted me and wanted to be with me and I didn’t want hear it. I got out of his car and he speed off livid and angry. This is where it got interesting and I began to really understand who or what I was dealing with. Later you guys will understand what I mean by that. A few weeks went by he began to message me and wanting to talk to me. I would ignore him sometimes but he wouldn’t give up. He wanted to develop a relationship with me but I didn’t want that. As soon as he messaged me, the young lady came right behind him and messaging me asking questions. I blocked them both out and continued with my life. He never gave up though, never gave up. Months went by and I finally allowed conversation and a type of friendship. My grandmother had an 80th birthday party, so I came back to Columbia for a weekend. As soon as he got word that I was coming home he had his plan ready. He was not letting me go back to charlotte without seeing me or just being around me. He came by and as soon and as I saw him I felt warm again. Like I was looking at the guy my heart belongs to. I played it cool but mean at the same time. We talked for a bit caught up and he volunteered to come to charlotte to visit me. I agreed and a week later he came and spent time with me for some hours. Few days later he confessed he still loved me and still liked me as more than his friend. I denied him. I knew he was still conversing and had dealings with the young lady. He complained about her but it wasn’t enough for me to take him back. We continued to converse, I still wanted to be friends even though he didn’t. He ended up making the decision and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him lets continue to go with the flow. I still wasn’t ready to totally forgive him and trust him again. I still allowed my feelings to grow stronger for him. It was feelings I couldn’t help or get over. I didn’t know I was going to be causing more trouble for myself letting him back in but I did it. I would go back home and he would come to visit. We had a surprised call on one of his visits. It was the young lady stating no they haven’t been together but that doesn’t mean 

she didn’t want him. I guess things were bad between the two. I asked her what was her problem and she clearly stated, “you’re the problem, he won’t let you go or leave you alone.” I didn’t know who I was really dealing with at the time, I was just so in love and us being with each other was all that mattered to me. The two officially separated once she got the clue that he wasn’t going to stop dealing with me and he made it clear. After a while I decided to move back home. I wanted to be close to him again. It was me and him against the world. Still being fresh and starting over he asked again if I would be his girlfriend. Ya’ll may call me slow, crazy, or dumb. I just knew and felt it wasn’t time yet. I’m a serious girl and in relationships I don’t play certain games. I told him my next relationship is my last and I want it to be my last no mistakes. I told him I’m not saying no but it’s not the time to say yes. We were both still so immature and I knew I wanted to be with him. Not for a couple years but for the rest of our lives. Yea I’m young but love has no age. People fall in love at 5 years or age and stay together, get married because they just knew without a doubt that that’s their mate. That how I feel for him. I just knew and felt it. We never even went on an official date yet but he just wanted to be with me. Even after that talk we still got close. He would do anything for me. Anything I asked for if he had, he did. I got sick he took care of me. I would literally stay at his house if I was sick. Medicate me and feed me. He started to pull away after a while the closer we got. He was getting afraid of the connection and feelings. I noticed and it scared me. Before I could say anything or try to figure out what’s going on. It was already to late. To be continued…