Final Chapter: Part 3 Relationships&&Love

“Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong Losing him was blue like I'd never known Missing him was dark gray all alone Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met But loving him was red Oh red Burning red” Artist:Taylor Swift Song: Red. ❤️💋 Loving someone is very hard especially when they don’t understand the meaning of it and was never taught what loving a person really means. For years I loved him, he hurt me every chance he got but I loved him. When time went on it was like our relationship got worst and his interest in me was going away. We would still talk and do things together. My insecurities grew and I didn’t trust him. I remember giving him the opinion, “its either me or them.” I was hurt and never giving myself a chance to heal because I feared losing him. He would confess and tell me how much he wanted this and wanted to be with me but his actions. I felt worthless and disgusted. I felt in my heart he was doing things. He would do things with other girls then come back to me as if my body was trash. I started developing feeling, harsh feelings. I still fought for what we had because I believed he was going to get it right and actually love me. Holiday season came around and he didn’t come around as much. We would set days and times to see each other and sometimes he’d just stood me up and have some lame excuse about what happened then argue with me to make me feel bad. Listen, I don’t know what got me to this point. I would let anything go and still try because he said he wanted this and wanted to be with me. Don’t get me wrong, it was easy to date other people and move on but I’m not the type of girl. I don’t give up. It wasn’t about any of that it’s just love can really take over every part of you and you start doing and forgiving in ways you’ve never done before. It’s was about how no matter what, that’s the first person you run to. Good or bad. He just got shady. Things were fading and it was like I didn’t know who I was dealing with anymore. He didn’t love me even when he said he did. The next following year I was planning my move to New York. He was getting close again, I guess because I was actually moving. He would tell me he didn’t want me to leave but he knew I have to do what I have to do. My career needed to start, I couldn’t play anymore or stay in a place I hated so bad just to try to work things out with him. After a while we would spend more time together and it was getting close to my birthday. He was still up to his shenanigans and we still argued. As long as he continued to do things and lie and hurt me, I continued with the attitude and little girl arguing and accusing. I know it’s childish for my actions but I was tired of being the mature one. Mature as in carrying this love when I knew I didn’t have to and forgiving him when he never deserved it or just making adult decisions by myself. We talked a lot before I left and tried to figure out where things were going to go once I left. I could tell he was really hurting because I was leaving. At the time it was like I didn’t care anymore it was time to leave and really go for what I needed. I knew I was going to miss him. He was my best friend my rock for years. I can say what I want but he was there for me a lot and did so much in helpful ways but it’s more of and emotional thing with me and a mental thing. I’m a very sensual individual. It was my 23rd birthday! I was excited. My birthday is the best thing in the world to me, it was the day a Queen was born and sent to claim her thrown! It’s only right. I planned to have a dinner with my closest friends and family. He was there, the best day of my life. I’m telling you the best day a girl could breath. I was happy everyone came and excited even more because I was leaving in a week for New York. Almost everyday that week I was at his house or he came over back and forth. He was coming with me and my mom to drop me off in New York. So the day came. Everything felt weird. Everything. I couldn’t believe I was really leaving and I was so sad. I mean devastated and upset. I had to say goodbye and I didn’t want to. I hate telling him goodbye. It’s so painfullll. We have this thing, when we’re with each other it’s like nothing else matters. I loved being under him and sleeping next to him. He was my comfort zone for so long. I also knew what we had wasn’t healthy at this point. By this time it was time for me to leave, I was very shy, to myself, had 2 friends, weighting only 122 and when I met him I was 138 solid. I was so insecure and afraid of life and what it could give me. I thought I was so ugly and that all men are cheaters. He didn’t tell me this but this is how bad I was broken down and depressed. I was so stressed out and in denial for a long time. When we parted I already knew what was going to happen. Everything just hit me harder then I expected. I had to learn how to try to let go. It wasn’t a week until people at home call about him with stories. He lies of courses. We actually stop talking for a couple weeks. After a while he wanted to come visit so I allowed it. It was so amazing to see his face and hold his hand and hug on him. Then weeks went by and I went home to see him. On his visit he left his old Iphone in New York to get fix. I had the password and I went through it. I saw all of them, it had to be about 10 different girls. Either he was telling them he loved them, or trying to be with them, trying to get back into their lives or trying to confess his heart to someone. I saw pictures. Everything I needed to see. He claim he cut most of those people off and it was old. It was only like 5 or 6 month difference. My whole mind changed and I saw who he really was. I was hurt and depressed for a long time because I trusted this guy with my life, on way too many occasions. He didn’t care because everything was for his own selfish needs. This is where things get kinda personal and very emotional. We had talks about just trying to let go because we knew things were going to get harder and he wasn’t ready for what I want. He also could feel I was fed up with a lot. At the end of the day we would still talk about being together and trying sometimes. We would still talk everyday sometimes disagree. I was hurting and sad and very depressed. My emotions weren’t the same and I was crying a lot more. I developed eating habits and constant eating. I slept all day and never wanted to be bothered. A couple weeks went by and we were talking and I told him I needed to go to the doctor. I thought something was wrong because it didn’t feel normal down in my area. I knew I couldn’t be pregnant because I have a cyst on my ovary and I was told I couldn’t carry child until it’s removed. After a few test and blood test I found out it was actually something in there that belong to him, actual cells forming into a child. I cried, I was overwhelmed, I was sad, happy, and extremely pissed off. Before I was done feeling all of these emotions they explained it wasn’t going to last and it would soon pass through..... most people call it miscarriage. I left in shock and hurt. I didn’t want to tell him at first. All this stuff that happened everything that went on. I was sad and afraid. I knew this was something I was going to have to deal with alone. When I told him, that’s what I ended up doing dealing with it alone. Not because he denied it or told me to leave him alone. He was just really insensitive, especially with his mouth. I was really emotional and the whole situation had my mind completely gone and in a hole. It was never real positive vibes anymore.  I remember completely flipping out on him, cursing him out, saying all types of hateful things and screaming to the top of my lungs. I didn’t mean it, but I wanted it to hurt like how I was hurting in the inside. I felt a pissed and upset, I was livid and fed up with all his shit. Everything that happened, the hurt, pain, the lost kid, I was just done. It’s was just time. I guess certain things went way too far and certain things I know we both wish we could take back. We don’t really speak as much now, none really. I still love him and hope for things. I could never forget him and everything no matter what we went through. I fell in love with him. I lost all self value falling so hard and I lost myself. Which are all lessons learned. I’ll forever look up to him. Career wise and handling business, such a go getter and so amazing at what he does. I’ll support him always. He taught me so much in life and I appreciate that. Now I’m in a stage where I just want to stay to myself. Get myself back close with God and find my inner peace again. Be myself and let my light shine. I made a decision to become celibate and I hold that honor to God and I plan to stay that way until marriage. No one can change my mind. I still think about him daily and miss him because he was always someone I could call, and he’d answer. No matter what, he was still a good person. He didn’t know how to love or commit. I don’t blame him. I hope we come to some type of compromise one day. Everything is going to be ok and I still have faith. Some people will say “just let it go sis.” Some people may say I’m crazy, but someone out here loves me and with stop playing games with my heart. Someone out here cares for me and will support me and always be there. He won’t switch up on me ever no matter the situation because he’s mature and he understands the word love and what it means when you tell it to someone and really mean that. Someone is going to commit and be faithful. I’m not giving up on having that love. It’s real and it exist out here. I’ve seen it before so I know it happens. Nobody is perfect but someone is going to come close or be exactly what I want and that I’m will to wait for. I call this a love story because I’ll always love him.. timing was just wrong.💋🤞🏾 “Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go But moving on from him is impossible When I still see it all in my head Burning red Burning it was red” Artist: Taylor Swift Song: Red